On December 9th, 2024 at 10:33pm my wife and I welcomed a new member of our family. Daphne Sulzdorf Kirsch came into this world announcing her presence with a scream.
A month later, the screams have more space between them, although her growing stamina and strength have conspired to make them louder and longer.
I thought my experience with priority realignment was battle tested and hardened. My career has been in tech startups. Pivots happen. Priorities change. When they do you evaluate the cause and effect and develop a new strategy. It requires mental flexibility and emotional control.
Having a child put this experience to shame. Never before has a singular event reshaped my thinking so dramatically. It’s made me pause and ponder about what I will bring to the table to help provide an environment that allows this new little human to flourish.
A few months ago, in what seems like a different life, I was introduced to the VIA Character Strengths Survey. I’ve encountered a number of these sorts of assessments. StrengthsFinder, Meyers-Briggs, and DISC to name a few. I find them interesting; it’s fun to answer a panel of questions and get back a result that places you in a bin. Aren’t we all looking for a Sorting Hat? Proud Ravenclaw over here.
The VIA has 24 character strengths that lie along six virtue categories. A common way of arranging these surveys. VIA captures the full ordering and presents them to you. Unlike many assessments I’ve taken at work, the VIA character strengths are universal moral strengths that are in many ways more focused on personal growth than workplace attributes.
My top strengths were not particularly surprising. It was the weakest traits that caught my attention:
- Bravery: Not shrinking from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain; speaking up for what’s right even if there’s opposition; acting on convictions even if unpopular; includes physical bravery but is not limited to it.
- Love: Valuing close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing & caring are reciprocated; being close to people.
After a year (and more) of career transitions, a new child in tow, and the new year beginning, I’m finding these lesser strengths interesting to reflect upon.
Bravery
I would not consider myself to be a brave person, but not in the way described by VIA. I don’t mind a good challenge, difficult situations, or pain, but I am risk averse. My major personal and professional decisions are deliberate, usually taking considerable time and thought. This allows me to go deep and invest with great gains where others may cut and run. It also, at times, needlessly delays gratification, opportunity, and growth.
The past eight years have been a war against the more pernicious aspects of my lack of bravery. As time has gone on, I’ve found myself taking larger jumps more quickly:
- 2016 - Went back to school for my B.S. in CS
- 2018 - Got married.
- 2019 - Went back to school for my M.S. in CS
- 2019 - Left my job at LexBlog, my professional home for nearly 7 years, to focus full-tim on my M.S.
- 2021 - Bought a house in Woodinville, WA
- 2022 - Started a new job at Pantheon
- 2022 - Grew our family by one (Moraine, a GSD mutt/mix)
- 2023 - Left my job at Pantheon
- 2024 - Joined XetHub and landed with a crew of incredibly smart colleagues eventually combining forces with Hugging Face; this represents my best professional decision since leaving Montana in 2013 and linking up with LexBlog full time.
- 2024 - Grew our family by one (Daphne, a human mutt/mix)
For me, this is a marked departure from my standard operating procedure and has taken quite a bit of bravery. However, there are still gains to be made here; namely in my ability and desire to speak up for what is right, even (maybe especially) if the cost is interpersonal conflict.
Love
I have historically struggled with close relationships, especially those relationships that require a lot of face time. Most of my childhood was spent 15 miles outside of a tiny Montanan town biking around quiet dirt roads. My first car was used to drive back and forth from my job at the A&W or football practice. It was not a ripe environment to practice developing and maintaining friendships.
With age, my focus has turned to developing strong connections with my coworkers. These are the bonds that I have the energy to forge. My colleagues spend more time with me than most of my friends outside of work. I suspect that’s common for many professionals with demanding jobs or children.
My text threads and chat clients are littered with group chats and one-on-ones with current and former teammates. I deeply value these relationships and continue to grow and nurture them in a way that I never did as a younger professional and never have in my personal life.
In short, I’ve found a sort of equanimity with my capacity and desire for being close with people. I’ve taken my strengths and brought them to the workplace to allow me to grow my relationships there.
The Good Life
These two lesser strengths are on my mind not because they strike me as crucial for parenting (although I think it’s safe to say both are important characteristics for any caretaker) but because I feel they are important to the question of: What makes up a good life?
Two of my favorite authors, Cal Newport and Sam Harris, circle around this question in their writing and podcasts. Sam, in his end-of-year post for 2024, attempts to answer this question for himself directly, although I find his deeper musings about the question itself more satisfying than his answer:
What makes love and friendship, or creativity, or learning, or fun, or laughter, or compassion good? And how are they different from all the things that seem to make life less than good—hatred, terror, boredom, despair, envy, resentment, contempt.
Or, put differently, what are “good” things and why are they “good”?
As I think about this, so many of my own answers revolve around honesty (another VIA character strength; bringing this full circle). Honesty with yourself; about who you really are, what you want, your limits, commitments, and desires. Honesty with the people around you to share an understanding of who you are and what you can do to support them. Honesty both personally and professionally.
My wife and I constantly remind each other to know thyself. This is what I want from the next year. To know myself and align my actions with that knowledge.
This sticks with me as I carry Daphne around our house, trying to soothe the latest bout of fussiness. There is simply no where I would rather be in those moments. It’s difficult and taxing, but being with her is the most rewarding experience.
I hope 2025 will be a year where I bring more honesty to myself, my friends, and my family and I hope everyone can muster up some free moments to think what a good life looks like for themselves.